Church Bulletin Bloopers

I needed a break from school so I looked up church bulletin bloopers. There are some pretty good ones!  Make me wonder if there are bloopers like this in our bulletins. Sorry if there are any duplicates.

Enjoy

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======================CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS:............. When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.............. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. ............. The church office will be closed until opening. It will remain closed after opening. It will reopen Monday. ............. Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion. ............. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. ............. Hymn Blooper: "All people that on earth do swell" ............. The beautiful flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. ............. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. ............. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our bell choir practice. ............. For those who have children and don't know it, there is a nursery downstairs. ............. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a great chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. ............. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They maybe seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. ............. The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 P.M. Please use the back door. ............. On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of a new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will please come forward to get a piece of paper. ............. There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be baptized on the table in the foyer. ............. Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary. ............. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. ............. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. ............. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy". ............. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. ............. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High." ............. Visiting Missionary: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa". ............. If you need to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. ............. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. ............. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation. ............. We pray that our people will jumble themselves. ............. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. ............. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. ............. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." ............. This evening at 7 PM there will be a group practice in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. ............ Volunteers are needed to spit up food for distribution following the Restaurant Supply Show at the Expo Center. ............. Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. ............. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. ............. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ............. It's Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do. ............. Illiterate? Write to the church office for help. ............. The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. ............. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. ............. (a most unfortunate blooper during the pastor's ilness:) GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Hargreaves is better! ............. ANOINTING OF THE SICK ... If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request. ............. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered ............. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the Church. Children will be Baptized at both ends. ............. Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy! ............. The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church. ............. Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people. ............. Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance." Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice. Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

1. If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
2. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
3. Don’t miss this Saturday’s exhibit by Christian Martian Arts
4. A worm welcome to all who have come today.
5. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
6. The ushers will come forward and take our ties and offerings.
7. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
8. Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
9. Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
10. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
11. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.
12. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
13. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
14. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
15. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”. Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment
18. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
19. Hymn: “I Love Thee My Ford.”
20. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
21. Women’s Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
22. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
23. The church 
    will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
24. Ushers will eat latecomers.
25. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
26. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
27. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
28. Evening massage - 6 p.m.
29. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire. Bring your own hot dogs and guns.
30. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
31. The sermon this morning is "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight is “Searching for Jesus."
32. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
33. 
    
    Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
    
    
    -The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved... the financial secretary gave a grief report.
    
    
    
    
    -Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
    
    
    
    
    -The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles.
      The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle.
      The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.
    
    
    -Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
    
    
    -Join us tonight for prayers, coffee and fresh beagles
    
    
    -No Good or Drink is Allowed in the Church 
    
    
    -Child care provided with reservations.
    
    
    -Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
    
    
    -Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.
    
    
    -We are always happy to have you sue our facility.
    
    
    
    
    Which one was your favorite?
    
    
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    These are not church bloopers but rather spell check bloopers that I have caught in my own writing(:

Things to know for a History test:

Uncle Tom's Cabin: Harriet Beecher Stowe's widely rad novel that dramatized the horrors of slavery

Nicholas P. Trist: ... He then singed the Treaty for Guadalupe Hidalgo and forwarded it to Washington

Words in emails:

-Pauperism instead of plagerism
-pasteurized instead of plagerized
-I walked out to the waiting groom instead of waiting room

Have you made any writing errors?