Key To Driving

Recently, having to write a research paper, the topic being on driving, I came up with quite a few thoughts. However, they would not all work in my paper, so I wrote a satire. Unlike the first time I wrote one, this is a big longer but the theme remains the same. Driving. It was a nice break from in-text citing and be verb eliminating and gave me a nice two hour break. 

It is of course, not to be taken seriously and I cannot be held responsible if any teen attempts to follow these points and fails due to reading this(:

Enjoy,

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The Key To Driving

                                            The teen manual on how to obtain a driver’s license and keep it

Driving is a universal fad among teens. Status is measured not only by what grade you’re in but if you can drive and thus be independent. So how does one become a successful driving teen? Well, it starts with a successful argument.

At a young age many people learn how to make an argument with their parents so effective that they will inevitable get what they want. This type of method is one of the best ways of accomplishing anything a teen could ever want. So here are the steps for convincing the parent. First, a teen should start to sympathize with the amount of work his or her parents have and so make it a point to not only show how much they need her help but how willing she is to give it. Pointing things out like, “I can grocery shop for you” or “take my siblings to their soccer practices” the teen will now be getting more attention on the subject. After thoroughly convincing both parents of the necessity to drive, she can then very casually hint of her needing a car, as there would be absolutely no other way of accomplishing these tasks. By this time, parents will certainly agree to all of the valid points the teen has brought up and will state that it is time for the teen to start driver’s Ed.

Fast forward a couple months and the teen not only has finished the driver’s Ed class but is ready to take the written test. The teen must make sure to fail the test completely the first and second time so that they can understand the answers to the rules on the test, as the correct ones are circled. However, passing the third test is crucial. Once the teen has obtained her permit, she must make sure to practice only a couples times before the test if at all to allow her to savor the joy of passing the written test. Putting into practice what one has learned only makes young drivers more uptight about the driving test as they feel they must remember everything they have learned. Nothing could be worse than a nervous driver.

When the big day comes, don’t worry about coming in early (like many recommend) since you will be waiting in line for three hours anyway. When you are in the car with your instructor, make sure to only do what they say at the last minute. For example, when the instructor says to turn right at the light, you wait until you are in the middle of the intersection to turn right, surprising your instructor and making his or her day. They will love you for this as many of them have had this job for years and are in need of some excitement. You don’t need to worry about getting too many things wrong because as long as you do not do the obvious such as, run a red light or hit a person, you will pass.

The ticket to success is to get a speeding ticket within the first week of obtaining one’s driver’s license. This will insure that you will not only be popular with your friends and parents but also with the police. Since, at this point the teen is a licensed driver, they must practice all the necessary things excellent drivers flawlessly execute. Texting is vital and one must be able to do it quickly and discreetly wherever they are from the class room to the restaurant. Cars are no exception. If a teen has been overly popular with the police they may need to be cautious about showing their iPhone texting skills but not to worry. As long as their car has illegally tinted windows all will be well.

Driving should be an enjoyable experience from the beginning. Teens need all the help they can get when beginning to drive. Just remembering that a good strong argument is the beginning of a great driving experience, will help any teen along the road to freedom and popularity.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

I needed a break from school so I looked up church bulletin bloopers. There are some pretty good ones!  Make me wonder if there are bloopers like this in our bulletins. Sorry if there are any duplicates.

Enjoy

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======================CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS:............. When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.............. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. ............. The church office will be closed until opening. It will remain closed after opening. It will reopen Monday. ............. Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion. ............. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. ............. Hymn Blooper: "All people that on earth do swell" ............. The beautiful flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. ............. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. ............. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our bell choir practice. ............. For those who have children and don't know it, there is a nursery downstairs. ............. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a great chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. ............. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They maybe seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. ............. The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 P.M. Please use the back door. ............. On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of a new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will please come forward to get a piece of paper. ............. There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be baptized on the table in the foyer. ............. Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary. ............. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. ............. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. ............. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy". ............. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. ............. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High." ............. Visiting Missionary: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa". ............. If you need to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. ............. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. ............. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation. ............. We pray that our people will jumble themselves. ............. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. ............. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. ............. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." ............. This evening at 7 PM there will be a group practice in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. ............ Volunteers are needed to spit up food for distribution following the Restaurant Supply Show at the Expo Center. ............. Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. ............. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. ............. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ............. It's Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do. ............. Illiterate? Write to the church office for help. ............. The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. ............. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. ............. (a most unfortunate blooper during the pastor's ilness:) GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Hargreaves is better! ............. ANOINTING OF THE SICK ... If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request. ............. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered ............. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the Church. Children will be Baptized at both ends. ............. Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy! ............. The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church. ............. Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people. ............. Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance." Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice. Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

1. If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
2. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
3. Don’t miss this Saturday’s exhibit by Christian Martian Arts
4. A worm welcome to all who have come today.
5. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
6. The ushers will come forward and take our ties and offerings.
7. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
8. Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
9. Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
10. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
11. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.
12. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
13. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
14. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
15. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”. Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment
18. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
19. Hymn: “I Love Thee My Ford.”
20. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
21. Women’s Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
22. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
23. The church 
    will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
24. Ushers will eat latecomers.
25. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
26. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
27. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
28. Evening massage - 6 p.m.
29. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire. Bring your own hot dogs and guns.
30. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
31. The sermon this morning is "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight is “Searching for Jesus."
32. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
33. 
    
    Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
    
    
    -The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved... the financial secretary gave a grief report.
    
    
    
    
    -Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
    
    
    
    
    -The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles.
      The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle.
      The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.
    
    
    -Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
    
    
    -Join us tonight for prayers, coffee and fresh beagles
    
    
    -No Good or Drink is Allowed in the Church 
    
    
    -Child care provided with reservations.
    
    
    -Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
    
    
    -Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.
    
    
    -We are always happy to have you sue our facility.
    
    
    
    
    Which one was your favorite?
    
    
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    These are not church bloopers but rather spell check bloopers that I have caught in my own writing(:

Things to know for a History test:

Uncle Tom's Cabin: Harriet Beecher Stowe's widely rad novel that dramatized the horrors of slavery

Nicholas P. Trist: ... He then singed the Treaty for Guadalupe Hidalgo and forwarded it to Washington

Words in emails:

-Pauperism instead of plagerism
-pasteurized instead of plagerized
-I walked out to the waiting groom instead of waiting room

Have you made any writing errors?

Childhood Poem

Yesterday I wrote a poem for English class. It was supposed to be about a memory in my childhood. So  I wrote it about me throwing mud balls into our next door neighbor's pool. We laugh about it today and are very close now(: Great memories

Enjoy

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Mud Balls

Squelch, squish, squoosh

Wet brown textured globs of earth I pack tightly

Anticipating the fun, moosh

My hands slimy, my creations unsightly

Filled with sticks and all sorts of organic things

I carefully lay them in the sun on wax paper

Oh what joy making these balls brings

Baking in the sun, the liquid turns to vapor

Impatiently waiting for the hour to arrive

I can hardly wait for the real fun to begin

Whoever said that time flies is wrong

I test my weapons, the mud balls finally strong

With glee and rapture I mount my tree fort

Looking down into another’s royal court

I spot my target big, and clean

And catapult my weapon upon which I beam

With a glorious splash it hits the mark

The hard brown dirt clod hits the floor

Making the water turn a bit dark

This excellent result makes me pine for some more

And so not only one but two and three

Mud balls catapult into the pool

Until the lady of the other castle steps out into the court yard to say

“Could you please stop throwing mud balls into the pool!”

“Okay” the meek reply from me

As I laugh aloud inside of me

Oh what fun while it lasted

To see the mud balls like cannonballs blasted

Into the pool

 Did thing like this when you were little? I'd love to hear it!

A Satirical Piece

One of my favorite things I have been assigned to write in my English class is a satirical piece. A satire basically pokes fun at something that the writer believes is a problem.The purpose of this piece is to be funny while point out the flaws, off course without being mean. I chose to write about bad drivers. I came at it from a perspective that seems to take the side of the driver while showing why they are kinda dangerous.

Enjoy

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Car crash…two cars totaled

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Police say she ran a red light and was putting on makeup while changing the radio and talking on the phone. Thirty-four year old Dara Masson didn’t have time to stop when she glanced up and saw the light turn red. “It happened all so suddenly, I had absolutely no time to react,” she says. Luckily, no one was killed but a red pick-up and a Chevy were totaled in this catastrophic accident. “This is an example of why we need to crack down on phone laws and maybe even add a few more cameras,” deputy sheriff Robert Tims says.  

What people do not realize is that distracted drivers are not a problem at all. Sure there are minor problems caused by pre-occupied drivers, such as car wrecks and an occasionally death, but why can’t they get some credit for all the positive effects their driving has on society?

Take for example revenue. Everyone knows how much debt America has found itself in. It needs money. That is where distracted drivers come in. The more people on cellphones the more tickets police can issue, helping the police hit their ticket quotas at the end of each month, not to mention the big bucks hospitals rake in from all those injured drivers. What about the mortuaries? Suddenly these not so popular businesses bustle with activity and their services “wanted.” Money circulates and everyone benefits.

            For those bored drivers who think they have seen everything after driving for twenty years, it’s time to wake up. The more distractions a driver has, the more challenging it is for other drivers to stay on the road in one piece. When coffee just does not do it anymore, and quick thinking has fallen asleep, it is time to ask talented drivers to do the impossible; multi task. Suddenly, reflexes are being tested, horns to be touched a little bit more often, and what seems to have been monotony of every day driving, has suddenly become entertainment for others.

            One who sees a woman putting on eye liner at a stop sign might believe she has a case of procrastination since she could have done that at home. However, she really saves time by doing this essential task in the car, since she probably stayed up late to help her son with homework and more importantly spent time with him. So why not do two things at the same time if it frees one up to do what really matters. What could be better -  showing up to work looking amazing and being able to put on one’s resume, one’s ability to multi task not only in the office but on a commute.  

            Distracted drivers should not be reprimanded for displaying their talents in such a glorious way, but rather should be encouraged to continue doing the things they do best. Devices to help paint nails and tie shoes are in order. For these special people, driving becomes a way to express themselves and not only enables them to show their creativity at work or at home, but also on the move, taking it to a new level. Think about it, when added up, the benefits that come from distracted drivers far out ways the negative consequences they bring to society.